


Leather & Whiskey

by ArchAlpha



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst and Feels, Broken Dean Winchester, Dean Winchester - Freeform, Dean Winchester Prays to Castiel, Grief, Hurt Dean Winchester, Implied/Referenced Character Death, M/M, Mourning, POV Dean Winchester, Praying to Castiel (Supernatural), Sad Dean Winchester, The Empty (Supernatural)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-12
Updated: 2020-11-12
Packaged: 2021-03-10 05:53:30
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 690
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27519424
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArchAlpha/pseuds/ArchAlpha
Summary: Dean Winchesters thoughts & prayers after Castiel's death.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester, Dean Winchester/Sam Winchester
Kudos: 4





	Leather & Whiskey

_It happened._

You diedlast week, on Thursday.

I never asked you to sacrifice yourself for _me_. But why am I so _flattered_ anyway?

We were just trying to get away from Billie. I had no idea what was going to happen. Honestly, I was prepared for both of us to go down swinging.

I just let you go.

I did it _again._ I didn't stop you. I should have _stopped_ you. 

Stupid son of a bitch, you were so damn happy to tell me you _loved_ me. _Castiel loves me._

I never thought you would ever say it. Not while we were trying to fight off Billie. Not while trying to save the damn world.

It came out of nowhere and I didn't know what to say to you. I just stood there, staring at you. I was so scared to say anything. 

You just kept going, and going. My heart was beating so hard in my chest, I was really just trying not to fall down on my knees.

All I really wanted to do was look away, to _hide._

But I can't hide from you, you're the only one who sees right through me. I just hope you saw that I love you too.

You're my best _friend,_ my _brother_ too. 

You're a lot of things to me and I'm sorry I never said a damn thing about it. I might never get the chance to, but you'll come back, won't _you?_

I keep thinking one day you'll just be _there._ You _always_ comes back. It's almost like you don't want me livin' without you or something.

Maybe that's why I didn't do anything, because I didn't think it was over. I don't want to believe you're really gone this time.

It's _ironic_ though, now that you're really _gone_ is when I blindly _believe_ you'll come back somehow. 

You've died so many times and I mourned every single one of those deaths. But now, now that it's the big one. I'm having a hard time accepting it.

I have _faith_ that you might come back some day. After all, it's what we fought about the most when we first met.

Me having no _faith._

But I had it, all along. Faith in _you_ _,_ not in God and not in any other angel.

You're probably the only angel who ever gave a rats ass about me. Others used me or deceived me. _Sam too._

 _Castiel,_ the angel with blue eyes gave it all up for me, and what did I give him? I gave him years of acting like I didn't really want him around. But I did, I _wanted_ you around.

I hope you didn't go out thinkin' that I didn't care, or that I didn't feel the same way. 

The empty took you and maybe that's why I believe you're just sleeping right now. Maybe you'll just sleep forever, but that doesn't make me feel better.

Even when I die, I still won't be able to see you. _I'll never be able to.._

_Damn it, Cas._

Why did you have to do it? You kept this secret long enough, couldn't you hold out a little longer? I swear we would have figured something out, _together._

Like we _always_ do. We're all family here, you included. 

Now I gotta face this whole world alone, Cas. I got Sam and I got Jack, but I really fucking _need_ you too. It's not the same without _you._

I _need_ you here with _us._

Fighting the good fight, forever. 

_Team free will_ or did you _forget?_

When it's me whose about to die, you always offer to come with me. When it was your turn, didn't you think I wanted to _go_ with you too? 

Because I _wanted_ to go with you. You pushed me to the ground before I knew what was happening. You were gone before I could do or say anything.

You think it's all sunshine and puppies when you're gone? It's not, not even close. I break when I'm alive and you're not. 

How could you drop a bomb on me like that and just _go?_


End file.
